Things That Make You Go Ummm




Rick And Rasky Are From Indiana Formerly Ohio

You Know You Are From Ohio If

"Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or King's Island

You measure distance in minutes

Down south to you means Kentucky

Your school classes were canceled because of cold

Your school classes were canceled because of heat

You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day

You know what's "Knee-high by the Fourth of July" means

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition
Example: "Where's my coat at?

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked

You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows

You carry jumper cables in your car

You know what pop is

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie

The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports

You think that deer season is a national holiday

You know which leaves make good toilet paper

You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the most popular band in the country

You find-20 degrees F "a little chilly"

You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction

You know if another Ohioian is from southern, middle or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouth

You can spell words like Cuyahoga and Tuscarawas

You know that a 'Buckeye' is a worthless nu.

You know what "Take Baby steps!", means on ice
Bobbie does


Bobbie Is From Indiana
Formery California And Ohio

You Know You Are From California When

Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible

You make over $350K and still can't afford a house

Your Child's Third Grade Teacher Has Purple Hair, A Nose Ring And Is Named Breeze

You can't remember...Is pot illegal?

You've been to a baby shower...and gave gift to the two mothers
And the sperm donor

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown
And can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian

You know which restaurant serves the freshest Arugula

A really great parking space can move you to tears

A low speed pursuit will interrupt any tv broadcast

Gas costs 75 cents more per gallon than anywhere else in the U.S.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps
You don't even notice

The guy at 8:30 am at Starbuck's wearing the baseball cap
And sunglasses who looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment

Your hairdresser is straight
Your plumber is gay
The woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM
And Your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag

You can't remember...is pot illegal?

It's sprinkling outside
And there's a report on every news station
About "Storm Watch Warnings"

You have to leave the big company meeting early
Because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4pm Tae Bo class

It's sprinkling outside, so you leave work an hour early
To avoid all the weather related accidents

Hey!!! Is pot still illegal?????

You and your dog have therapists

Carlos Santana is playing a benefit concert as a fund-raiser for your kid's school
And you're trying to come up with a personal fund-raising idea
So that you can scrape up the money for a ticket

Author Unknown


HOW?

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path

How do you get Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!

What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko

What do you get from a pampered Cow?
Spoiled milk

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him

Why do gorrillas have big have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers

Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat

What's the differnce between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, dang It!
A bad skydiver goes dang it!! whack

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique upon it

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

Author Unknown



REALLY DUMB STATE LAWS

ALABAMA:

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle


ALASKA:

It is illegal to push a live moose out of a moving airplane


ARKANSAS:

A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month

Flirtation between the members of the opposite sex on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30 day jail term


CALIFORNIA:

In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits

Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water

It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license

In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time

In Carmel, CA, it is illegal to eat ice cream while standing on the side walk

In Prunedale, CA, it is illegal to have two indoor bathtubs in your house

Pedestrians always have the right of way

Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays

In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship

In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap
But the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap

A Glendale, California, ordinance permits horror films to be shown only on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays


CONNECTICUT:

You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce

In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands


FLORIDA:

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner

In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle

Sarasota--It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit

Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed


ILLINOIS:

It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets

Cicero, Illinois, prohibits humming on public streets on Sundays


INDIANA:

Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs

Bathing is prohibited during the winter

Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic

In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic


IOWA

Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes

In Ottumwa, Iowa
"It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted"



KANSAS

No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas

In Russell, Kansas, it is against the law to have a musical car horn


KENTUCKY

By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground"

It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket

In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club"

An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses"



LOUISIANA:

It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol

Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault"



MARYLAND

Lions may not be taken to the theater in Maryland

In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits



MASSACHUSETTS

It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines

Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches

Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked

An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public

Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts

Boston--It is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so

In 1659, Massachusetts outlawed Christmas

Two people cannot kiss in front of a church

All Public Displays of Affection (PDAs) are forbidden on Sunday



MICHIGAN

In Grand Haven, Michigan, no person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense

In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens

In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property

In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission



MISSOURI

In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket



NEBRASKA:

A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service


NEVADA:

It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway

(Eureka) Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women



NEW ENGLAND:

What happens to doughnut holes?
Well, they won't be found in Lehigh NE
Selling doughnut holes in this city is forbidden



NEW JERSEY:

To keep any of the incarcerated beast from picking up bad habits, the town of Manville , NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the local zoo



NEW MEXICO:

In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face)



NEW YORK:

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting
This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way"
A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll

You may water your lawn on Staten Island, New York, provided that you hold the hose in your hand while doing so; but to lay a hose on the lawn or to use a sprinkler for watering your lawn is unlawful

In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun

In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors

In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match



NORTH CAROLINA:

And if any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and farming in NC, they are forwarned right here and now that it is against the law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!



NORTH DAKOTA:

Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant



OHIO:

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture

Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public

Clinton County, Ohio, calls for a fine for anyone caught leaning against a public building



OKLAHOMA:

Harthahorne City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window

Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog

Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property

Whale hunting is strictly forbidden throughout the entire state

Tulsa--Kisses lasing more than three minutes are forbidden

Have it your way, but don't share it in Oklahoma
This state forbids a person from taking a bite out of another person's hamburger



PENNSYLVANIA:

In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel...however up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law

"Automobiles travelling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear"

"If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of the road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into the scenery"

"In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes"

A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling

In Bexley, Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses



RHODE ISLAND:

Providence
It is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday

Newport
It is illegal to smoke a pipe after sunset



TENNESSEE:

It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish

Dyersburg
It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date

Memphis
It is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists"

If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law



TEXAS

Abilene, Texas, makes it illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing

Abilene, Texas, It is illegal to walk around with a concealed ice cream cone

A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot withoutfirst obtaining a special five-dollar permit

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing

A recently passed antcrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed

In San Antonio, it is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands



UTAH:

Birds have the right of way on all highways

A husband is responsible for every criminal act commited by his wife while she is in his presence

It is against the law to fish from horseback



VERMONT:

Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week--on Saturday night



VIRGINIA:

Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, Virgina
It is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee

Hunting with a rifle is permitted in Norfolk County, Virgina - provided that the hunter is fifteen feet off the ground



WASHINGTON---SEATTLE:

It is illegal to sit on a man's lap on a metro bus, unless you are married

Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a television!



WASHINGTON:

All lollipops are banned

A law to reduce crime states:
"It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions
To stop at the city limits
And telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town



WEST VIRGINIA:

No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions"

In Nicholas County, W. Va.
No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service



DID YOU KNOW THAT......

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated

2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite

3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar

4. The average person's left hand does 56 percent of the typing

5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes

6. There are more chickens than people in the world

7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey

8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched"

9. On a Canadian two dollar bill
The flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag

10. All the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20

11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple

12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt"

13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial
On the back of the $5 bill

14. Almonds are a member of the peach family

15. Winston Churchill was born in the ladies room during a dance

16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable

17. There are only four words in the English language that end in "dous"
Tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

18. Los Angeles' full name is
"El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear

20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain

21. Tigers have striped skin, not just fur

22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10

23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer

24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street
Were named after Bert the Cop and Ernie
The taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life"

25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds

27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge

28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open

29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world

30. In England, the speaker of the house is not allowed to speak

31. The microwave was invented
After a researcher walked by a radar tube
And a chocolate bar melted in his pocket

32. Mister Rogers is an ordained minister

33. The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes and passes out in 7 seconds

34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball
Just two of the little suckers control straight-ahead flight

35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is only typed with the left hand


Signs Of The Times

Sign in a Veterinarian's Office
"Be back in 5 minutes
Sit! Stay!"

And, on a lot outside Veterinarian's Office
"Parking for Customers Only
All others will be Neutered"

Plumber's Shop
"We repair what your husband fixed"

Pizza Shop slogan
"7 days without pizza makes one weak"

At a tire shop in Milwaukee
"Invite us to your next blowout"

Door of a Plastic Surgeon's Office
"Let us help pick your nose"

Sign at the Psychic's Hotline
"Don't call us
We will call you"

At a Towing Company
"We don't charge an arm and a leg
We want tows"

Billboard on the side of the road
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs"

On an Electrician's Business
"Let us remove your shorts"

In a Nonsmoking Area
"If we see you smoking
We will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action"

On Maternity Room Door
"Push, Push, Push"

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what your looking for
You've come to the right place"

On a Taxidermist's window
"We really know our stuff"

In a Podiatrist's Office
"Time wounds all heels"

On a fence
"Salesmen Welcome
Dog food is expensive"

Outside a Muffler Shop
"No appointment necessary
We will hear you coming"

Inside a Bowling Alley
"Please be quiet
We need to hear a pin drop"

In the front yard of a Funeral Home
"Drive carefully
We will wait"

In a Counselor's Office
"Growing old is mandatory
Growing wise is optional"




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