Andy Rooney
And Thoughts



Andy Rooney
On Ads In Bills

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them
I get back at them
I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in
Coffee grinds, banana peels
I write, "Could you throw this away for me?"

"Thank You"



On Fabric Softener

My wife uses fabric softener
I never knew what that stuff was for
Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off)
That's how they mark their territory
You can take off the ring
But it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes


On Cripes

My wife's from the Midwest
Very nice people there
Very wholesome
They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake'
Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?
I'm not making fun of it
You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?



On Morning Differences

Men and women are different in the morning
The men wake up aroused in the morning
We can't help it
We just wake up and we want you
And the women are thinking
'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'
It's because we can't see you.
We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve


On Pregnancy

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking
They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking
Do you wanna feel it?'
I always feel awkward reaching over there
Come on!
It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach
I don't do that when I have gas
"Oh my God...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."



On Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says
'Sexy Senior Citizen
You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests
Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday



On Prisons

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner?
Jeez
For forty-thousand bucks a piece
I'll take a few prisoners into my house
I live in Los Angeles
I already have bars on the windows
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals
I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity
And if they don't want to run
They can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator


On Award Shows

Can you believe how many award shows they have now?
They have awards for commercials
The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials
I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing


On Phone-In-Polls

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know"
It costs 90 cents to call up and vote
They're voting "I don't know"
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this
Give me the phone

Into Phone
I DON'T KNOW!"
Hangs up looking proud

"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure bout"
This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95
He say "I'm not in the mood"


On Answering Machines

Did you ever hear one of these corny
Positive messages on someone's answering machine?

"Hi
It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now
I hope you are too
The thought for the day is 'Share the love'
Beep"
Oh, yeah
This is the VD clinic calling
Speaking of being positive
Your test is back
Stop sharing the love"


The Worst Foursome In Golf History

1. Monica Lewinsky

2. O.J. Simpson

3. Ted Kennedy

4. Bill Clinton

Why You Ask?

Well.......

Monica Is A Hooker

O.J. Is A Slicer

Ted Can't Drive Over Water

Bill Can't Remember Which Hole He Played Last




Random Thoughts

A day without sunshine is like, night

On the other hand, you have different fingers

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

Honk if you love peace and quiet

Remember half the people you know are below average

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation

He who laughs last thinks slowest

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever
So far so good

Borrow money from a pessimist
They don't expect it back

If Barbie is so popular
Why do you have to buy her friends?

My mind is like a steel trap
Rusty and illegal in 37 states

Quantum mechanics
The dreams stuff is made of

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

Support bacteria
They're the only culture some people have

When everything's coming your way
You're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way

If at first you don't succeed
Destroy all evidence that you tried

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with

No one is listening until you make a mistake

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism
To steal from many is research

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up

Change is inevitable except from vending machines

Get a new car for your spouse
It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous
Tomorrow

If you think nobody cares
Try missing a couple of payments

How many of you believe in telekinesis?
Raise my hand

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener

If at first you don't succeed
Then skydiving isn't for you


Do You Know The Answer?!!

Three guys in a hotel call room service and order two large pizzas
The delivery boy brings them up with a bill for exactly $30.00
Each guy gives him a $10.00 bill, and he leaves

That's Fact!


When he hands the $30.00 to the cashier, he is told a mistake was made
The bill was only $25.00, not $30.00
The cashier gives the delivery boy five $1.00 bills
He tells him to take it back to the 3 guys who ordered the pizza

That's Fact!

On the way back to their room, the delivery boy has a thought
These guys did not give him a tip.
He figures that since there is no way to split $5.00 evenly three ways anyhow
He will keep two dollars for himself and give them back three dollars

OK! So Far So Good!

He knocks on the door and one fellow answers
He explains about a mix up in the bill
He hands the guy the three dollars
Then departs with his two-dollar tip in his pocket

Now The Fun Begins!

Remember

$30-$25=$5 Right?
$5-$3=$2 Right?

So what's the problem?
All is well, right?
Not Quite

Answer This:

Each of the three guys originally gave $10.00 each
They each got back $1.00 in change
That means they paid $9.00 each, which times three is $27.00
The delivery boy kept $2.00 for a tip
$27.00 plus $2.00 equals $29.00

Where The Heck Is The Other Dollar ??????????



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