Welcome To Uncle Chuck's Red Neck Jokes
These Jokes Are Not Meant To Insult Anyone
These Jokes Are Not Here To Offend Anyone
They Are Only Here For Humor
With All That Is Going On In This World
If You Can't Take A Few Minutes Out Of Your Life For A Little Laughter
Then You Need To Get A Life



You Might Be A Redneck Man

If You Go To Family Reunion's To Pick Up Woman

If You Have A Milk Mustache That Is Three Weeks Old

If Your Two-Year-Old Has More Teeth Than You Do

If You Have To Climb To The Top Of A Water Tower With A Gallon Of Paint
To Defend Your Sisters Honor

If You Make Change In The Offering Plate At Church

If Someone Tells You That You Are Lying Though Your "Tooth"

If You Walk Your Kid To School Because You Are In The Same Grade

You Come Home From The Garbage Dump With More Than You Went With

More Than One Living Relative Is Named After A Southern Civil War General

Your Front Porch Collapses And More Than Six Dogs Are Killed

You Consider A Six-Pack And A Bug-Zapper High Quality Entertainment

Fewer Than Half Of Your Cars Run

The Primary Color Of Your Car Is "Bondo"

Your Mother Keeps A Spit Cup On The Ironing Board

You Think That Beef Jerky And Moon Pies Are Two Of The Major Food Groups

Your Car Stereo Cost More Than Your Car

Your Family Tree Doesn't Fork

Your Hairdo Has Been Ruined By A Ceiling Fan

Your Mother Has Been Involved In A Fistfight At A High School Sports Event

Taking Your Wife On A Cruise Means Circling The Local Dairy Queen

You Think The Last Words To The Star Spangled Banner Are
"Gentlemen"
"Start Your Engines"

You Think God Looks A Lot Like Hank Williams Jr.
And Heaven Looks A Lot Like Daytona Beach, Florida

You Believe That Dual Air Bags Refer To Your Wife And Mother-In-Law

Your Father Executes The "Pull My Finger" Trick During Christmas Dinner

You Were Acquitted For Murdering Your First Wife
After She Threw Out Your Elvis 45's

You Think That The OJ Trial Is A Sunkist And Minutemaid Taste Test

You've Got More Than One Brother Named "Darryl"

The People On Jerry Springer's Show Remind You Of Your Neighbors

You've Been Married Three Times And Still Have The Same In-Laws

You Lit A Match In The Bathroom And Your House Exploded Right Off It's Wheels

You Carried A Fishing Pole Into Sea World

Your Sister Is The Third Generation Of Women In Your Family
To Conceive A Baby As A Result Of An Alien Abduction

You Think That A Subdivision Is Part Of A Math Problem

You Think That There's Nothin Wrong With Incest
As Long As You Keep It In The Family

You Can Get Dog Hair From Out Of Your Belly Button

You Think That The Three Primary Colors Are
John Deere Green
Ford Blue
And Primer Gray

Ya Can't Get Married To Yer Sweetheart Cause There Is A Law Against It

The Beer Can Collection In The Town Museum Is The Big Tourist Attraction

You Can Change The Oil In Your Truck Without Ducking Your Head

You Think Loading The Dishwasher Means Getting Your Wife Drunk

Your Whole Family Is Democrats Except Little Mary
She Got To Readin'

Jeff Foxworthy


You Might Be A Redneck Woman
If

You Go To Family Reunions To Meet Guys

You Get A Run In Your Stockings While Changing A Tire On Your MotorHome

Your Purse Is A Toolbox

You Pluck Your Eyebrows With A Pair Of Needle Nosed Pliers

You Store Your Lipsticks In A Socket Wrench Box

You Use Duct Tape To Keep Your "Tuck" In Place

You Call Your Vanity "Your Work Bench"

You Wear A Dress That's Strapless And A Bra That Ain't

You Wear Combat Boots With A MiniSkirt

You Wear Jeans With A Belt Buckle That's Bigger Than Your Fist

You Have A Ford F-150 Pick-Up Truck With A Gun Rack
A Dale Earnhardt License Plate Frame
And A Confederate Flag On The Tailgate Next To The Bumper Sticker That Says
"I Sell Avon Skin-So-Soft"

You Try To Wax Your Legs With Turtle Wax

You Wear Tube Tops With Your Mini Skirt
Because It Shows Off Your Harley-Davidson Tattoo

You Keep Spare Ammo In Your Bra

You Use A Pocketknife To Sharpen Your Lip And Eye Liners

You Keep A Spare Lipstick In Your Toolbox

Your Best Silver Necklace Is Made From Beer Can Pull-Tabs

You Use Paint Thinner To Remove Your Makeup

You Remove Your Leg Hair With Duct Tape

Jeff Foxworthy



Who Says Rednecks Aren't Real Bright??

"Hello"
"Is This The FBI?"

"Yes"
"What Do You Want?"

"I'm Calling To Report My Neighbor Billy Bob Smith"
"He Is Hiding Marijuana Inside His Firewood"

"Thank You Very Much For The Call Sir"

The Next Day The FBI Agents Descend On Billy Bob's House
They Search The Shed Where The Firewood Is Kept
Using Axes
They Bust Open Every Piece Of Wood
They Find No Marijuana

They Swear At Billy Bob And Leave

The Phone Rings At Billy Bob's House

"Hey Billy Bob!"
"Did The FBI Come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did They Chop Up Your Firewood?"

"Yep"

"Merry Christmas Buddy"


A Letter From Mom

Your Paw Has A New Job
It Is The First One In 48 Years
We Are A Little Better Off Now
We Are Making So Much Money We Don't Know What To Do With It
Paw Gits $17.50 A Weak Take Home
So We Thought We Oughter Do Some Fixin Up

We Sent To Monkey Wards For One Of Them New Bathrooms We Been Hearin' About
It Took A Plumber To Put It In Shape

One Side Of The Room Has A Big Box Somthin' Like A Pig Trough
Only You Get In And Wash All Over
On The Other Side Is A Little Thing Called A Sink

But Yonder In The Corner We Really Have Somethin'
You Put One Foot In And Wash It Good
Pull The Chain And Get Fresh Water For The Other Foot
Two Lids Came With The Thing That We Aint Got Any Use For In The Bathroom
So I's Using One For A Bread Board
The Other One Had A Hole In It
So I's Using It For A Frame For Your Grandpappy's Pictur

That Companys Awful Nice To Do Busines With
They Sent Us A Roll Of Writing Paper With The Outfit
Paw And Me Don't Write Much
So I's Using It To Wrap Paw's Lunch In

Take Care Of Yourself
Maw And Paw

Author Unknown



A Letter From Mom
Movin' To Indiana

Dear Sun

I'm Writin' This Slow 'Cause I Know You Can't Read Fast
We Don't Live Where We Did When You First Left
Your Dad Read In The Paper That Most Accidents Happen Within 20 Miles Of Home
So We Moved
I won't Be Able To Send You The Address
As The Last Family Here Took The Numbers With Them For Their Next House
I Guess That They Didn't Want To Change Their Address

This Place Has A Washing Machine
The First Day I Put Four Shirts In It
I Pulled The Chain To Start It
I Haven't Seen 'Em Since

Three Of Your Friends Drove Over A Cliff Into The River
Only The One In The Front Survived
He Rolled Down His Window And Swam To Safety
The Other Two Drowned Because They Couldn't Get The Tailgate Down

It Only Rained Twice This Week
Three Days The First Time And Four Days This Time

Your Aunt Sue Said That The Coat That You Wanted Me To Send You
Would Be A Little Too Heavy To Send In The Mail With The Heavy Buttons
So We Cut The Buttons Off And Put Them In The Pockets

About Your Sister
She Had A Baby This Morning
I Haven't Found Out Whether It's A Girl Or A Boy
So I Don't Know If You Are An Aunt Or An Uncle

I Told Your Wife To Put The Toilet Seat Down
But You Know How Well Your Cousin Listens To Me

Not Much More News This Time
Write Soon

Love
Mom

P.S.
Was Going To Send You Money
But The Envelope Was Already Sealed

Author Unknown



Trip To The Mall

A Redneck Family From The Hills Was Visiting In The City
They Were In A Mall For The First Time In Their Life
The Father And Son Were Strolling Around While The Wife Shopped
They Were Amazed By Almost Everything That They Saw
But Especially Amazed By Two Shiny, Silver Walls That Could Move Apart
Then The Walls Would Slide Back Together Again

The Boy Asked
"Paw"
What's 'At?"
The Father, Never Having Seen An Elevator, Responded
"Son"
"I Dunno"
"I Ain't Never Seen Anything Like That In My Entire Life"
"I Ain't Got No Idea'r What It Is"

While The Boy And His Father Were Watching With Amazement
A Fat Old Lady In A Wheel Chair Rolled Up To The Moving Walls
She Reached Out And Pressed A Button
The Walls Opened
The Lady Rolled Between Them Into A Small Room
The Walls Closed

The Boy And His Father Watched In Amazement
The Small Circular Numbers Above The Walls Lit Up Sequentially
They Continued To Watch Until It Reached The Last Number
Then The Numbers Began To Light Up In Reverse Order
Then The Walls Opened Up Again
A Gorgeous, Voluptuous 24-Year-Old Blonde Woman Stepped Out

The Father
Not Taking His Eyes Off The Young Woman
Said Quietly To His Son
"Boy"
"Go Git Yo Momma"



E-Mail Submissions

You Might Be A Redneck If

You Have To Use An Extention Ladder To Climb Up Into Your Pick-Up Truck

A Hillbilly Mirror

After Living In The Remote Wilderness Of Kentucky All His Life
An Old Hillbilly Decided It Was Time To Visit The Big City
He Was Amazed At All Of The Stores That He Could Shop In
In One Of The Stores, He Picked Up A Mirror And Gazed Into It
Not Knowing What It Was, He Remarked
"How About That!"
"Here's A Picture Of My Daddy"
So He Bought The 'Picture Of His Daddy
But On The Way Home He Remembered His Wife, Lizzy, Didn't Like His Father
So He Hung Daddy's 'Picture In The Barn
Every Morning Before Leaving To Work In His Fields
He Would Go Out To The Barn And Look At Daddy's 'Picture
Lizzy Began To Get Suspicious Of His Many Trips To The Barn
One Day After Her Husband Left For Work
She Searched The Barn And Found The Mirror
As She Looked Into The Glass, She Fumed
"So That's The Ugly Bitch He's Runnin' Around With"


HillBilly Medical Terms

Benign
What You Be After You Be Eight

Barium
What You Do With Dead Folks

Catscan
Searching For The Cat

Cauterize
Made Eye Contact With Her

D&C
Where Washington Is

Dilate
To Live Longer Than Your Kids Do

Enema
Not A Friend

Fester
Quicker Than Someone Else

Hangnail
What You Hang Your Coat On

Impotent
Distinguished, Well Known

Labor Pain
Getting Hurt At Work

Nitrates
Cheaper Than Day Rates

Pap Smear
A Fatherhood Test

Pelvis
Second Cousin To Elvis

Terminal Illness
Getting Sick At The Train Station

Tumor
More Than One

Urine
Opposite Of Mine

Varicose
Near By

Hospital
The Biggest Building In Town


You Might Be An EXTREME Redneck When

You Need One More Hole Punched In Your Card
To Get A Freebie At The House Of Tattoos


You Think Loading The Dishwasher Means Getting Your Wife Drunk

You Let Your 14-Year-Old Daughter Smoke At The Dinner Table In Front Of Her Kids

The Blue Book Value Of Your Truck Goes Up And Down
Depending On How Much Gas Is In It

You've Been Married Three Times And Still Have The Same In-Laws

You Think A Woman Who Is "Out Of Your League" Bowls On A Different Night

You Wonder How Service Stations Keep Their Restrooms So Clean

Your Wife's Hairdo Was Once Ruined By A Ceiling Fan

Your Junior Prom Offered DayCare

You Think The Last Words Of The "Star-Spangled Banner" Are
"Gentlemen"
"Start Your Engines"

The Halloween Pumpkin On Your Porch Has More Teeth Than Your Spouse

You Have To Go Outside To Get Something From The Fridge

One Of Your Kids Was Born On A Pool Table






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