Moms In The Twilight Zone



SCUD

Ok, I'm the only female in a house full of guys
4 sons and a hubby
The toilet seat is never down...etc
SOOOOoooooooooo I'm the only one who would be using Female products.....correct?

A strange thing was happening at my house
Tampons were disappearing
Ok....
A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a Tampon
There was only one left
I could have sworn I had just bought abox the month before
So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it

The next month I go back to the cupboard
Ouila!....there is only one tampon left again
What's going on here? Gremlins???
I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it

Well.....
I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet
LO and behold
At the bottom of their closet is the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves
I am starting to freak!!!
Dear God, what are they doing with them??????

I get a hold of myself
I tell myself that "I am an Adult"
I can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind
I'm thinking....
"Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for major theraphy"?

I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "come here"!!!!
They march up the stairs
They find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet

I said "What are you doing with those, those are mine"?

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent
My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says
"Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and figurines
And those make really good S.C.U.D. missiles!!
What do YOU use them for"?

Never Mind!! Go Play!!!!


MOM IS SMARTER


My son came home from school one day, with a silly grin on his face
He thought he was smarter than me, his Mom, and could put me in my place

HE SAID:

Guess what I learned in Civics Two,that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's about the laws of the land today, its called The Children's Bill Of Rights

IT SAID:


I don't have to clean my room
I don't have to cut my hair
Nobody can tell me what to eat
My freedom of speech is guaranteed
Its my choice of what I read, or watch on TV
I have freedom of religion, and regardless of what you say
I don't have to ask your God for help

I DON'T HAVE TO PRAY

I can wear an earring in my ear
And, if I want, can pierce my nose
It's my choice if I so desire, to tattoo Satan's numbers across my toes
And if you try to spank me
I will charge you with the crime, and I can back up all my charges
With the marks on my behind

HE SAID:

Don't ever touch me, this body is only for my use
Not for your hugs and kisses and stuff
That's just another form of child abuse

HE CONTINUED WITH:

Don't fill my head with morals, like your mama did to you
That's what's called mind control, and it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights, you can't do a thing to me
I can call Children's Services, better known as C. S. D.

MY TURN!!!!

My very first impression was, to toss this boy out the door
Here was a chance to teach him a lesson, for once and ever more
I took my time and mulled it over, I couldn't let this go
This kid of mine didn't realize, that he was messing with a pro!

AND AWAY WE GO.............

The next day we went shopping
In spite of every plea, I didn't buy him 501s or shirts designed by Nike
I had called and talked to C. S. D
They said they didn't care
If I bought him K-Mart shoes, or a pair of Nike Airs

AND THEN:

I canceled his appointment to test his driving skills
I'd probably be dead by now, if only looks could kill!

I SAID:

There's no time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch
I think you should follow C. S. D.'s advice
Make yourself a sack lunch
So, what if you are too hungry, to wait 'til dinner time?
Well, we're having liver and onions, Cause it's a favorite dish of mine

He ASKED:

Can we stop to get a movie, so I can watch it on the VCR?
Absolutely not!
I sold the TV in your room and bought new tires for my car
I also rented out your room, you really don't need a bed
C.S.D. says all that's required of me is to put a roof over your head
I only have to buy your clothes, and the food that you must eat
The money you used to get for an allowance, will buy me something neat
No more eating after we shop, no more joking along the way
I too have a Bill Of Rights, that goes into effect today!
What's the matter, are you crying?
Are you down on your knees?
Why are you asking God for help?.........

Why Not Call The C.S.D.?

The Moral Of The Story Is That No One Is Smarter Than Mom

Author Unknown


Mom's Reasons
Why The English Language Is So Hard To Teach To Our Kids

1) The bandage was wound around the wound

2) The farm was used to produce produce

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse

4) We must polish the Polish furniture

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert

7) Since there is no time like the present
He thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes

10) I did not object to the object

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the door to close it

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Author Unknown



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