Twas The Night Before Christmas And Santa's A Wreck
How To Live In A World That's Politically Correct?
His Workers No Longer Would Answer To "Elves"
"Vertically Challenged" They Were Calling Themselves

And Labor Conditions At The North Pole
Were Alleged By The Union To Stifle The Soul
Four Reindeer Had Vanished, Without Much Propriety
Released To The Wilds By The Humane Society

And Equal Employment Had Made It Quite Clear
That Santa Had Better Not Use Just Reindeer
So Dancer And Donner, Comet And Cupid
Were Replaced With 4 Pigs And You Know That Looked Stupid!

The Runners Had Been Removed From His Sleigh
The Ruts Were Termed Dangerous By The E.P.A.
And People Had Started To Call For The Cops
When They Heard Sled Noises On Their Roof Tops

Second-Hand Smoke From His Pipe Had His Workers Quite Fightened
His Fur Trimmed Red Suit Was Called "Unenlightened"
And To Show You The Strangeness Of Life's Ebbs And Flows
Rudolf Was Suing Over Unauthorized Use Of His Nose

And Had Gone On Geraldo, In Front Of The Nation
Demanding Millions In Over-Due Compensation
So, Half Of The Reindeer Were Gone And His Wife
Who Suddenly Said She'd Had Enough Of This Life

Joined A Self-Help Group, Packed And Left In A Whiz
Demanding From Now On Her Title Was Ms.
And As For The Gifts, Why, He'd Ne'er Had A Notion
That Making A Choice Could Cause So Much Commotion

Nothing Of Leather Nothing Of Fur
Which Meant Nothing For Him
And Nothing For Her
Nothing That Might Be Construed To Pollute
Nothing To Aim
Nothing To Shoot

Nothing That Clamored Or Made Lots Of Noise
Nothing For Just Girls Or Just For The Boys
Nothing That Claimed To Be Gender Specific
Nothing That's Warlike Or Non-Pacific

No Candy Or Sweets...They Were Bad For The Tooth
Nothing That Seemed To Embellish A Truth
And Fairy Tales, While Not Yet Forbidden
Were Like Ken And Barbie, Better Off Hidden

For They Raised The Hackles Of Those Psychological
Who Claimed The Only Good Gift Was One Ecological
No Baseball, No Football...Someone Could Get Hurt
Besides, Playing Sports Exposed Kids To Dirt

Dolls Were Said To Be Sexist And Should Be Passe
And Nintendo Would Rot Your Entire Brain Away
So Santa Just Stood There, Disheveled, Perplexed
He Just Could Not Figure Out What To Do Next

He Tried To Be Merry, Tried To Be Gay
But You've Got To Be Careful With That Word Today
His Sack Was Quite Empty, Limp To The Ground
Nothing Fully Acceptable Was To Be Found

Something Special Was Needed, A Gift That He Might
Give To All Without Angering The Left Or The Right
A Gift That Would Satisfy, With No Indecision
Each Group Of People, Every Religion

Every Ethnicity, Every Hue
Everyone, Everywhere...Even You
So Here Is That Gift, It's Price Beyond Worth
"May You And Your Loved Ones Enjoy Peace On Earth"


"Twas The Night Before Christmas
And Santa's A Wreck"
By Harvey Ehrlich
CopyRight 1992-
This Poem Is Free To Distribute Without Changes
As Long As This Notice Remains Intact
All Follow-ups, Requests, Comments, Questions
Distribution Rights, ETC Should Be Made To

Harvey Ehrlich







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